Lasting Damage Read online

  Kara had shown up, on time, put down her tracks without incident and was penciling in her available dates while Alice set her sights on Jason, the bass player.

  Suddenly mixing the album was on the back burner, everything was all about the tour and Harper was at a loss. People were excited, the band was putting together set lists and throwing out names for opening acts and all she could think about was how nice it would feel to lay on a beach somewhere warm, sip fruity drinks and watch Jane strut around in a tiny bikini.

  “Harper,” Riley muttered under his breath as he picked up the communal red pen and circled something on the tech rider. “You’ve got a visitor.”

  She looked up and immediately her stomach took another nosedive. Jane stood just inside the studio door with a panicked expression on her face. It was a look Harper wanted to fix the instant she saw it and it had her making a beeline for Jane.

  “Hey,” She put had arm around Jane’s shoulder but didn’t pull her close since they hadn’t worked out any of the details regarding public displays of affection. “I didn’t expect you to show up.”

  Jane averted her gaze to the floor; she nodded as if she’d also had her doubts about keeping her promise. “You must think I’m a real shithead.”

  “I’m just happy you’re here,” Harper replied.

  “I’m glad you’re happy,” Jane moved her eyes around the room for a moment before returning them to Harper’s face. “But you need to let me apologize for leaving the way I did.”

  “You looked upset.” Harper tightened her grip on Jane shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze. “Did things get better?”

  “Not really,” she stammered, the fear in her eyes echoing her anxiety. “It’s just been one of those days. You know, kinda shitty and all sorts of weird. I guess I figured that seeing your face would make it all better.”

  “And did it?”

  “Yes.” Jane leaned into Harper’s body and let out a small, contended sigh. “So, this is your band?”

  “It’s a mix.” Harper found herself trying to maintain a certain balance, not too close and not too far, as Jane appeared to be desperate for her affections and ready to bolt all at the same time. “We had to pull in a few session players since some of the guys couldn’t make it in on such short notice.”

  “And this is really who you are,” she said as she looked around the room. “All of this. The music and your band. I guess I didn’t really want to admit it to myself.”

  “It’s part of who I am but it’s not everything.” Harper reassured her.

  Jane shook her head. “When you’re in the music industry this is everything. It’s the nature of the business. Life takes a back seat to recording and promoting and touring.”

  “And here I was thinking we’d made a progress,” Harper laughed gently.

  “I guess I’m feeling melancholy.” She shrugged. “It’ll go away when the weather changes.”

  “How about we skip out to some fancy restaurant and I buy you a thick juicy steak?” Harper figured it was the safest thing for the two of them since they seemed to do better when they were talking over food and drinks.

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  “What if I wanted to?”

  “I don’t think I could face going back into my closet to find something pretty to wear.” Jane’s face softened and the distance between them seemed to lift away. “Netflix and popcorn are more my speed right now.”

  “Is that a date?” Harper, deciding it was time to take a little leap of faith, slid her arm around Jane’s waist and pulled her closer. To her relief Jane relaxed and melted a little.

  “Of course.”Jane pressed her hand to the small of Harper’s back. “As long as you don’t mind watching Korean horror movies all night?”

  Harper was about to remark on her willingness to watch whatever Jane wanted to watch when she saw Kara coming out of the sound booth with a few scraps of paper in her hand.

  “Riley kicked me out,” Kara said as she reached them and handed Harper the papers. “And he had me write down the dates I’m not available so there isn’t a mixup.”

  “He needs to switch out the mics.” Harper replied. “We want to muddy up the sound a bit. Kara, I don’t know if you’ve met Jane Hollis.”

  “I haven’t actually met you but I feel like I’ve known you for a while now,” Kara held out her hand and smiled when Jane took it. “I was part of Harper’s tour last year and got to hear all about you from Anders.”

  “It’s very nice to meet you.” Jane said, her voice careful and measured as she drew her hand away from Kara’s grasp.

  Kara’s gaze seemed stalled on Jane’s beautiful face and Harper had to acknowledge the faint stab of jealousy that pinned her down. Her relationship with Kara was a part of her past but she recognized the look in her old girlfriend’s eyes when she gazed at Jane

  “And I’ve met your mom a few times and she’s always going on about her kids.”

  “I bet she is.”Jane’s back went stiff under Harper’s arm. Obviously Kara had exposed a nerve that Jane would’ve preferred to keep buried deep in her skin.

  “I hear she’s writing her autobiography.” Kara’s smile waivered, becoming more nervous the longer she was in Jane’s presence. “That must be exciting?”

  “Not really.” Jane’s voice lost the rest of its warmth in that second. “I’ve already lived through her grudge matches with Courtney Love and Shirley Manson, so I’m probably not going to be rehashing the good old days anytime soon.”

  Kara nodded, as she scanned Jane’s face. It appeared as if she was finally at a loss for words.

  “Do you want to stick around for a while?” Harper broke the silence. “We can go drive over to your place after we wrap up here.”

  “I can’t,” she replied. “I need to get Alice and bring her back to the house before she gets into trouble.”

  “Yes, Alice.” Harper laughed.

  Jane let out a sad little groan. “How bad is it?”

  “I wouldn’t say bad,” Kara paused. “Mostly she’s keeping herself occupied with Jason.”

  “Jason?” Jane pressed her head to Harper’s shoulder and took a deep breath. “Drummer or bass player?”

  “Bass.” Harper told her. “And we need to keep him from getting too distracted. We’ve got to have him lay down three new tracks in the next thirty-six hours.”

  “Okay, I’ll get her out of here.” Jane gave Harper a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling away and giving them both a small wave. “It was nice meeting you.”

  Neither one of them had a chance to say anything before Jane disappeared back through the door to Riley’s house. Harper felt her absence the second she was out of sight.

  “You like her.” Kara’s voice reached out, grabbing her attention and turning it back to the immediate situation.

  “I do.” Harper agreed.

  “She’s really beautiful.” Kara grinned at her like a hungry little fox. “You guys make a cute couple.”

  “I’m not so sure Jane sees it that way.” Harper smiled. It wasn’t the happiest smile she’d ever given someone but it was the most honest one.

  *****

  They stopped at three different stores on the way home, pharmacy, groceries and liquor and Jane’s head was still spinning from the endless chatter that flew out of her sister’s mouth. Jane didn’t mind talking when she had something to say and she certainly didn’t mind listening but today she was in the mood for stillness so she decided to do something she almost never did, Jane parked herself at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa, various bottles of liquors and contemplated her future. It seemed like a self-indulgent end to an otherwise weird and miserable day.

  With her eyes closed and a mouthful of warm chocolate she tried to remember the names of all the people she’d dealt with in the last twenty-four hours but one person was melding into another. Sarah could just as easily be Kara and Alice’s name was rarely spoken without a side order of Riley. Chloe a
nd Lily were starting to feel like one person.

  And then there was Harper.

  Harper was an independent agent. She was new and unconnected from the rest and it was one of the reasons Jane was having a difficult time staying away from her.

  Jane took another sip and wondered if this was how her, long overdue, nervous breakdown would begin or if it was one of those cases of early onset dementia brought on by excessive drug use and too little sleep. Either way it didn’t matter, Jane wasn’t about to put up a fight. If she was going to lose her shit she was going to do it with as much panache and élan as she could muster. She’d get herself some hand painted acrylic nails, shave her head and start wearing wool ponchos in the middle of summer.

  “And what are we drinking tonight?” Jane looked across the table to see Lily watching her from the kitchen.

  “Hot chocolate.” she answered. “It’s some of that stuff my dad sent me from Belgium.”

  “And those?” Lily pointed to row of pint bottles on the table. “Is that what we’re polluting it with?”

  “An excellent assumption,” Jane replied. “The kettle’s still hot, get one of those soup mugs, put in two scoops of the powder and fill it halfway and finish it off with these bad boys.”

  Lily, never one to hold back an opinion, was good humored enough to let Jane micromanage the unimportant stuff and didn’t tell Jane the step-by-step instruction on how to make hot chocolate were unnecessary.

  “Comfort drinking,” she said as she took her place across the table from Jane. “I approve of this.”

  “I figured you would.”

  “So, you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Lily opened the Irish cream first and added a healthy dose before moving on to the almond liqueur.

  “Not really.”

  “You want one of these?” Lily nodded and reached into her purse to retrieve a bottle of pills. “Might make you smile.”

  “Is it the only thing on the menu?” Jane asked as Lily poured out four little pills and slid two of them across the table.

  “I can dig deeper is you want,” Lily laughed. “Maybe make a few phones calls? Break a few laws?”

  “Who’s breaking laws?” Alice yelled out from the living room.

  Lily looked over her shoulder before leaning and whispering, “I thought she was at your brother’s house?”

  “She was bothering people.”

  “Why are people always talking about me behind my back?” Alice’s question swept through the room a brief second before she did. “Every time I turn around one of you is saying something about me and I’m getting tired of it.”

  “People talk about you because you want them to talk about you.” Jane informed her.

  “That’s not true.” Alice took a seat next to Lily and grabbed one of the bottles, but Lily was faster and Alice was left empty handed. “Did Jane tell you that she met Kara Olsen today?”

  “No,” Jane shot back before Lily could answer. “I didn’t tell her because it’s not important.”

  “You sound pissy.” Alice opened the palm of her left hand and set a bottle of nail polish on the table. Jane recognized it immediately from her own bedroom. It was also her favorite. She knew it wasn’t worth saying anything, the theft was meant as a way to start an argument, and Jane figured it was easier to just have Chloe pick her up another bottle the next time she went to Ulta.

  Jane picked up her pills, popped them in her mouth and swallowed them down with a swig of her cocoa.

  “You know who she is, right?” Alice asked.

  “I don’t really care who she is.” Jane tucked her legs up under her and made a conscious effort to not lose her cool until the medication kicked in and chemically altered her sour mood.

  “Jason told me that Kara and Harper have a long, messy history and no one is happy that she’s back.” Alice informed them with a syrupy smile. “He said she’s got a good voice but he thought Harper had someone else lined up to do the work.”

  “And you’re telling her this, why?” Lily picked up the bottle of almond liquor and gave her cup another healthy dose.

  “I just find in interesting.” Alice shrugged as she opened the bottle of nail polish and painted a thick layer of oxblood red on her index finger. “Someone else did the original vocals for the tracks but Harper wasn’t happy with them. Jason says she’s a real ballbuster when it comes to producing but likes to party when she’s out on the road.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jane regretted asking the question instantly, but this particular conversation seemed inevitable. Alice was looking for her pound of flesh and Jane just happened to be in her line of sight.

  “You saw Kara Olsen,” She said as she stared in on her middle finger. “Holy hell, I’d do it with her, and I don’t even like girls.”

  “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Lily cocked her head to the side and watched Alice with dangerous interest.

  “Who knows? I might actually have the chance to switch teams.” Alice announced. “Jason said there’s going to be room on the tour bus and he’s pretty sure Kara will be joining them for some of the dates. He was showing me the itinerary today and-”

  “They’ve already got an itinerary set?” Jane heard the question leave her before she had a chance to stop herself from asking. She already knew Harper was going to leave. She didn’t live in Portland and she was going to have to tour eventually. Those two pieces of reality were unchangeable and there wasn’t a whole lot she could do about it except prepare to have her heart broken.

  Harper was a good person and it would was easy to sit back and create a grand fantasy about how amazing their life together could be but, Jane wasn’t about to do that because once you started to entertain those kinds of thoughts, once you admitted how important a person was in your life, you gave up control.

  “Harper was going over it yesterday. She and a couple of the guys were updating the tech rider and the hospitality rider. They were adding the extra accommodations for Kara, and Jason wanted to add a guest,” Alice said, her voice smug and assured. Even Riley was penciling in dates.”

  “Why are you telling her this?” Lily’s voice was edged with a razor sharp edge.

  “Because the world moves on. You can either sit around licking your wounds for the better part of a decade or you can grab whatever opportunity comes your way.” She announced. “And she knows what it means when they start adding guests to the hospitality rider.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Lily asked between clenched teeth.

  “Harper didn’t add a guest,” Jane informed her.

  “That’s because she didn’t have to,” Alice snickered. “At least not since Kara’s signing on.”

  “Fuck you.” Lily sounded unconvinced but Jane knew her sister had a point.

  “No, Alice is right.” Jane took a quick drink of her cocoa and tried not to let any of it bother her. “There’s only so much room on a tour and if you’re not added to the hospitality rider you don’t get to stick around for more than a few days.”

  “You’re totally gonna screw this up,” Alice sighed. “Maybe if you’re lucky Harper will put you in charge of the merch but I don’t see that happening.”

  “What do you think you’re going to accomplish by being this much of a bitch?” Lily growled.

  “Call it sisterly concern,” she said, the corners of her mouth turning up into a self-satisfied smirk. “But just so you know, Harper is going to dump you. It’s only a matter of time and you’ll be sorry to didn’t listen to me.”

  “Alice,” Lily began. “I’m not sure what you’re doing but it’s really starting to piss me off.”

  Alice stared at her before shifting her gaze back to Jane. “What?” she laughed. “I’m just looking out for her.”

  “You certainly are brave for a bitch who’s about to be homeless.” Lily picked up her cup and took a sip.

  “You can’t kick me out,” Alice sneered at the both of them before returning her att
ention to the bottle of nail polish. “Janie’s my sister. She won’t let you-”

  “I won’t what?” Jane interrupted. “You keep talking and you’re going to end up in a tent in the park.”

  “Excuse me?” Alice scoffed.

  “Go to bed, Alice. The big girls don’t want to play with you tonight.” Lily stared across the table, her gaze pinning Alice to the chair. It she and Chloe had come to call ‘the look of death’ and it was scary as hell. Alice, to her credit, appeared to be terrified. Without a word she screwed the cap back on the tiny bottle, picked it up and left the room.

  “Not my bed,” Lily called out as Alice disappeared back down the hallway. “Don’t listen to her.”

  “Why not?” Jane brought the cup to her lips and inhaled the sweet scent of almond and mint. “She’s right. I’m going to fuck it all up.”

  “No, you’re not.” Lily assured her.

  “It’s inevitable,” Jane stated. “Harper’s only here until the album is finished. She lives in New York and spends most of the year on tour so I need to remember to keep the end date in mind. I don’t need to get in over my head.”

  “You could always go on tour with her.” Lily suggested with an encouraging smile.

  “No, I can’t do that.” Jane shook her head with such force it had her seeing stars for a second. “I’ve already done that in my life.”

  “As a kid,” Lily reminded her.

  “Exactly.” Jane pressed the palm of her hand to her forehead and willed the pills to kick in so she could find some relief from the constant stream of thoughts running through her head. “I was a kid, and as inappropriate as it was for me to be on tour with my parents, I had an excuse. I was their kid and I was supposed to be there. I’m not going back as the girlfriend.”

  “That’s not what you’d be doing.”